shell_mel: (Sign...)
Okay... I'm a little hurt right now.

I have so much love and respect for my father. I have posted a few times about him, so if anyone read those posts they would know I love him.

I'll start from the beginning rather than giving you my ramblings... those will come later.

This morning I asked dad if I could sleep over [livejournal.com profile] cloudy's. He said it shouldn't be a problem but we'll discuss it tonight. We like to discuss things as a family and I love having my parents thoughts on what I'm doing in my life. So I don't mind... that and pushing for an answer would just mean I wouldn't be able to go.

Now before I panic [livejournal.com profile] cloudy or [livejournal.com profile] disxox I am still coming. So don't worry.

So I went about my day... went to Uni. I will actually let everyone know what's happening with that soon. It's so exciting!

Now after dinner I asked again. Can I go? My dad told me to discuss it with mum. I went to mum. She asked why I had to discuss it with her, shouldn't I be talking to dad? I told her what he told me to do. She goes through and asks him what this is about.

After a mini argument due to prior arguments they had had that day my father looked me in the eye and said. "No."

Let me give you the rough conversation.

Dad: No.
Me: Why?
Dad: Where are you going?
Me: To cloudy's.
Dad: And from there?
Me: No where.
Dad: Do you really want to go?
Me: I haven't seen them since before Christmas. If I didn't want to go, I wouldn't be asking.
Dad: Then I'll drop you off. Is that okay?
Me: *Suddenly realizes what dad is implying that we will do* I'm okay with that. But you do know that I'm not comfortable with going out and drinking.

Okay take a small break to notify all friends. I don't mind drinking. In fact I love having a beer. But I am really not comfortable with the idea of going out and drinking. I just barely comfortable with drinking outside my house. Now you know... back to the conversation.

Dad: ...
Me: I'm barely comfortable with drinking outside this house. I don't want to go make an ass of myself if I get drunk. Being drunk in the public eye is something I'm not okay with. I prefer my wits about me when I'm outside this house. So I can tell you know if I went to a friends and they suddenly told me we were going drinking I would have to say no. I have no issue with that. And if they are my friends they will see that I'm not comfortable with that.
Dad: ...
Me: Where did this suddenly come from? You know I'm not a normal teenager. I don't sneak out. I don't go to concerts. I don't binge drink. I ask my parents for permission to go out still! I. Am. 18!
Dad: ...
Me: And just so you know. I've been 18 for nine months. I've had nine months of opportunities to go down to the Bottle-O and get alcohol for my friends. Don't you think I would have done it by now?
Dad: ...
Me: Don't you trust me?
Dad: ...
Me: Can I go?
Dad: ... Yeah.
Me: Thank you.

I have no idea where this has suddenly come from. But it hurt that he doesn't trust me. When I did nothing to deserve that. Mum doesn't understand it either... Well she actually said it's because he's "fucked up in the head". But I know my dad isn't all there sometimes but... normally I can brush off the insults he throws at me. Normally calling me useless, idiotic, a space case and many other things to indicate I'm a loser. Most of the time I let it roll over me and I move on... but every now and again... it sticks.

I thought my father knew me... I guess I was wrong... ;_;

I've been really happy lately. To the point of practically bouncing off the walls. My parents have noticed a change in me. My mum is very happy for me. Glad that I feel this good... but I think dad's jealous. He finds it do hard to look up. I try to help but... well how can his silly, daft daughter help?

Maybe I was better off being gloomy all the time... The laws of physics. Everything that goes up, must come down. At least with me being down I don't have as far to fall.

I'm sorry. Having an emo moment. I'll go bother someone else now.

*Goes and hids in her fantasy world.*

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shell_mel

August 2009

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